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Wednesday, June 27, 2007

I have no game face and that's okay

J.A. Konrath says that as a writer, you should always have your “game face” on. I read that post and nodded my head…then shook my head in awe/envy. I wish I could be like that all the time. I wish I could let things fly right by me and not focus on the negatives. I wish I could “remain upbeat” and “project an aura of success,” both on this blog and in real life. But, and of course, I’m only speaking for myself, so but…I can’t, because that is not me. Someone once told me I wear my heart on my sleeve and it’s so, so true. I wish I didn’t, but I’m trying to learn to accept myself and my idiosyncracies, so that’s one thing that I just can’t do. I have very high highs and very low lows and certainly in recent weeks I’ve considered going back to therapy and wondered if I am not a perfect candidate for antidepressants, and maybe I am, but generally laziness/lack of time has meant I haven’t pursued that. It's not all low, certainly, but when it is, even great news seems like just so-so news.

I think it's also overload. I get to a point where I really cannot take in any more information and when some of it comes along and tries to weasel its way inside my brain, I just collapse. Sometimes literally. I find myself longing to curl up on the floor like I do at home, under blankets, and just bury my head until it's clear. I try to get through it but new hurdle arise and while I know, deep down, if new tasks didn't appear I would create them, in the moment, it's not fun, and it can make me forget why I ever wanted to be a writer.

I’ve been doing what I can and hoping that’s enough. Certainly, it never feels like enough. There is always something I haven’t done, something that I’m behind on, something I can berate myself for. The one commitment I have been keeping is going to Crossfit and there I am seeing progress, although I know it’s going to be slower than I might like. I’m stubborn, though, and as much as I know, say, a number on a scale isn’t the whole story, I hated seeing that number there the other day. It made me feel lazy, sloppy, like I’m not giving this my all, even though I know I am.

I also know that this has been both an incredible and a very rough year. Again, high highs and low lows. I’ve realized that I’m a natural slacker, and that the only reason I actually go to the gym is that I’ve committed to someone else to do it. My commitments to myself…meaningless.

I think the problem with being unrelentingly optimistic, or even not, is that people conjure up crazy ideas about you. Well, maybe not crazy, but if one more person says to me, “I have no idea how you do so much,” I will go mad. Believe me, I don’t either, and because I don’t think it reflects well on me, I don’t chronicle here every failure, of which there are many. I don’t tell you about all the books that fell through, the missed deadlines, the waking up and hating myself. Or at least, I try not to all the time because I do know that’s not attractive. I do know people want perky and fun and lively, as Konrath says, but I also know that’s not really me. Sometimes it is, but often it isn’t. And while on some level, I do believe in “fake it till you make it,” at other times, you just have to give in and let yourself feel crappy.

Like today. I slept in front of the ac but still was hot and sticky and overslept and was just out of sorts. I’m probably PMSing, plus everyone wanted everything ASAP, and I just lost it at a certain point. It wasn’t pretty and I don’t want to be that girl crying in the bathroom and feeling like a failure, but yes, today I was. It was a relief to finally give in to that, to let myself cry and be the mess outside that I was inside.

But I think that there is logic to Konrath’s idea, because if I were more like that, maybe I wouldn’t get so freaked out when random people tell me they read my blog. It’s weird because of course you write, a blog or an article or anything, because you want people to read it. Yet when faced with the reality of that, I get freaked out. It’s unnerving and I guess I have to examine a little more why that’s so. I think I was rude to someone today and I didn’t mean to be, but again, I was so rundown inside, I couldn’t bring the game face and I think part of why I’m so grateful for my friends is that they can take me with or without the game face.

Anyway, it’s stress week from hell, so this is just a little dispatch from it, aka procrastination, probably the thing I’m best at. I know next week, and next month, and especially next year, things will seem easier, at least, I hope they will, but right now I'm just muddling along and crossing my fingers.

4 Comments:

At June 28, 2007, Blogger BEAR MASTER (a.k.a. "MASTER JACK") said...

Oh my god. It's such a small world. I shared a cab with Joe Konrath in Baltimore, on the way to Horrorfind.

I see that you and I are in Dorm Porn 2 and now Ultimate Gay Erotica 2008. Nice to share TOC with you.

I found you through Joel A. Nichols' site. My name's Jeff Funk.

 
At June 28, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You sound very human to me! I do that overwhelm-total crash thing, too. Beats SSRIs...
If I tell you I hope you love and accept yourself, without condition, even the analytical bits, will that help? will you be rude or angry? (it sounds easier than it is. it works.)
I read your blog and I miss your column; I hope you get another gig. On the other hand, the column is presumably revised; blogs can be raw, which is no game face. Stay in the game. Yr fan & admirer, :R

 
At June 29, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Intresting post. I agree with Konrath that being a writer seems to be almost as much about public persona as about the actual words you put on the page (although, given that the words we write come from our hearts and minds, perhaps the question of the different between the two is mute). I've been spending a lot of time at work at the moment in marketing meetings, and as such have joked from time to time about the values associated with "brand Rachel".

I don't think that the fact that you let people see your "messy bits" makes you any less fabulous though. If anything, your honesty is one of the most inspiring and admirable things about you.

 
At July 04, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just found your blog tonight, and couldn't help being a bit stunned when I read this post, as it sounded like my own voice. I am in total empathy with you right now. I want to tell you that I took Celexa for six months and it really evened me out and helped me deal. I've never had to take happy pills again. Also, I read blogs to connect to the world out there and real honest writing like yours is the stuff that makes me feel most connected, so don't hide your soul.

 

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