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Lusty Lady

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Wednesday, May 30, 2007

WikiRKB

I don't know who really cares enough about my life enough to post stuff on Wikipedia, but...as far as I know I have never called myself a sex educator and certainly don't consider myself one. I'm not offended, I just don't think it's accurate in any possible way. I'm not a sex educator, don't want to be, and frankly, would be awful at it. Just saying.

Also, gotta love the completely random Technodyke article. I am still totally up for chasing cute girls, but beyond that, sex and dating are just imaginary in my life right now. It's the nature of the Internet, I get that; there's plenty I wish I could erase from Google, and many a day when I wish I had never started all this using my real name. But I did, and I can't really complain. It's not regret so much as wistfulness, and remembering back to a time when, evem though I didn't know it and couldn't conceive of it, so many doors were open to me. Now, many still are, but a lot are closed. Which really has nothing to do with Wikipedia, it's just that same old disconnect between seeing random words about yourself on a page, and who I really am inside. In many ways, I'm much more Caroline Knapp (without the interest in dogs) than I am any "sex-positive" writer. Not literally, but inside. That merry recluse thing? So me.

But whatever. No webpage, whether it's Wikipedia or your own, is ever going to really be able to capture your humanity. Mine has some of it, but at the end of the day, it's a professional thing, another job duty in a laundry list of them. I love what I do, don't get me wrong, but I also recognize the drawbacks, the disadvantages, the assumptions. Maybe that's just my way; to dive in headfirst, and think about the consequences later. Well, later is now and I guess I just have to live with...myself. Always the toughest part, eh? For me, anyway. I'm always looking for ways to not have to be myself, some magic escape route where I can find some stunt that'll plant me in some other life, some other brain. I know that can't truly happen, but maybe those momentary meanderings help me survive the day-to-day. And soon this pace will hopefully seem like history, but living through it, sometimes it's hard to see the so-called "big picture." It's little pictures, specks, practically, all blurring together with no discernible pattern or meaning.

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