I'm a very lucky birthday girl

I feel so blessed and lucky today, and not just because of the beautiful weather we had or the man whose bed I got to wake up in. This past month especially and past year have taught me so much and I’m so honored to have the people in my life that I do, who let me know in big and small ways what I mean to them. On the inside, and sometimes on the outside, I’m really, really insecure and I get so nervous about so many situations; will I be out of place, will I act weird, will people like me, etc., and so when I find people who I just click with, straight off the bat, to the point that I forget I didn’t know them until only recently, I’m thrilled. They make me feel like I am all these things I want to be, and as much as I can say I should find those things within myself, it never hurts to have people I respect make me truly believe them. So whether it’s Brooke Warner picking my brain and feminism and books or Viviane welcoming me into the local sex blog community even though I feared that “my blog isn’t slutty enough,” I am so grateful for the people I've met this year who make my life better. I realized this year I just don't have the time or energy for people who don't add anything and just drain me of energy, but the others, I always have room. I don’t even know what else to say except that I want to remember how I felt walking to work this morning, like I couldn’t imagine being any happier.

I’m thinking about so many things, among them Kirsty MacColl, who’s “painting stars up in the sky” as she sang in “Soho Square.” It’s a sad song but somehow as so much of her music does, it makes me feel calm. I've been wanting to visit Kirsty's bench in Soho Square ever since it was first put there, and maybe in 2007 I will get to. Kirsty's music lives on, and I think for me her legacy is to live each day as if it were my last, to not put things off or assume I'll get around to them, to tell people how much they mean to me now, when I think of them, to truly keep in touch and not just KIT.

So much happened this year, on both a personal and professional level. I feel way more than a year older and wiser, and yet sometimes I feel like a teenager. It careens around and that’s okay, I’m starting to realize. Hopefully I’m less tough on myself but still can push myself in the ways I need to. I wrote more than I could have imagined I’d be capable of, had 7 books come out, met my fabulous agent, got a contract to write two novels which I never dreamed were possible, traveled, babysat and fell in love with some of the most adorable babies in the world. Went through a lot and made mistakes I thought I was far too old for, but also learned some really tough lessons that I’ve only realized recently didn’t make me more cynical, just a little wiser. I grew up a lot, I learned how to forgive people, hopefully somewhat gracefully, how to keep my distance and how to get over myself. I don't think I've learned how to not leap forward full force, how not to wear my heart on my sleeve, but that's okay. Those are risks I have to take and as much as I value book knowledge and trying to be "smarter," I want to be a better person with the biggest heart possible. I want to be there for the people in my life because I know they are there for me. Being around my little smush this year has made me infinitely more honest and open; I am not that religious or spiritual, but my cousin was saying how babies are closer to G-d, and I see how pure of heart he is. I am sometimes so guarded and let all my demons lead the way, let my worst fears be the things that guide me rather than the relentless optimism I should be capable of. Taking care of him strips away all of those barriers and I want to spend more time with him, and baby C., and just focus on my novel and my relationship and getting my life in order. There's a lot of work that needs to be done and it would be easy to shunt it off and procrastinate but I want to face things a little better this year than I have in the last. But anyway, in my typical fashion, back to why I'm so happy right now...

I’m blessed not because of my books or the crap that clutters my apartment or any of that, not to say I don’t have a materialistic streak as well, but I’m blessed to know so many utterly talented, beautiful inside and out people. People who are making the world around them a better place and not forgetting that it’s the everyday kindnesses and pleasures that keep us going. I get pretty squeamish hearing what people have to say about me; I always fear the worst, and have learned from being on both sides that often how we perceive people is not always how they perceive themselves, so it’s touching beyond words when people get “the real me.” That sounds totally stupid in quotes like that, but the people who know, know, and I love them for it. “You have an innocence about you that is not at all ignorance but rather an almost youthful view of the world as something that can be seen and thought about as malleable in a fun way,” a very wise girl wrote me this week and really made me smile to know that we still have a friendship, which is a huge understatement, that has transcended so much and still enriches my life in such powerful ways.

And true friendship: lending me your kitchen to read topless and get photographed. Thank you Girly!

Then Nichelle sent this lovely birthday haiku that I will end on cause I have things to do away from the computer but yes, 31 so far is treating me amazingly well indeed:

Rachel Sexy Scribe
Kinky sweet lusty cupcake
Beautiful, fun girl