TES

I get really nervous when doing any kind of public speaking, but I’ve learned over the years to get over myself and do it anyway. I say yes to almost any reading or speaking gig I’m offered, and, in a roundabout way, that’s how my book deal came about (an editor had seen me read and liked what she heard, thus providing crucial encouragement, via my agent, and while I didn’t wind up going with that editor, knowing that she was interested in my work spurred me on to finish my novel proposal). It also really, really, really helps you see how a story works or doesn’t work. But reading an already-written story aloud is one thing, speaking off the cuff is another.

I had spoken at TES (The Eulenspiegel Society, a BDSM group in New York that's been around a long time and has 783 members, lots of committees and activities, and various special interest groups, events, etc.) a while ago about spanking, but this was supposed to be about the life of a writer. I didn’t prepare anything because I was crazy busy and also not really sure what I wanted to say, so I just brought a bunch of materials and started talking. It was great to see some familiar faces in the crowd but what I found was that whether I knew them or not, it was a welcoming crowd. They had good questions and wanted to hear what I had to say; they weren’t antagonistic, but interesting. My big fear is that I’ll go speak and it’s this situation of “go ahead, tell me something I don’t know.” If you were at the big porn debate with Nick Gillespie and Pamela Paul and the Morality in Media guy, which had us on a stage at the CUNY Graduate Center in front of an audience, you heard the total silence in between my sentences and my shaky voice. That is not my ideal speaking situation.

But the TES people were so open and inquisitive and I realized that that’s another aspect of my community. I really am not part of any organized BDSM group anymore, I think because I’m not that into public play, or public sex of any kind, and don’t necessarily have much of an interest in going to sex parties, so I feel like I don’t belong, but being amongst a crowd like that made me realize that I do belong. That it’s not about who’s having the kinkiest sex (cause I would certainly lose that) but about thinking about these issues and contemplating how our society is structured sexually. In many ways, they’ve already done a lot of questioning about their own sexuality and sexual norms and all of that, and what’s fascinating to me is that I would imagine the majority of them are “straight” in terms of sexual orientation but there’s a lot of openness to switching or experimenting and just watching/listening/learning from people with a wide variety of kinks and fetishes. And all of that came across so well and I was truly touched, and not just because the coordinator brought me two (!) bottles of diet Coke. I was also given 2 copies of their excellent magazine Prometheus, a mug, t-shirt, and complimentary TES membership. And I got to meet erotic authors I’ve corresponded with (actually ones whose work I’ve rejected, which was a little awkward but I was so pleased to meet them, and they’re both great writers, more on that later). Overall, it was one of the most pleasant, interesting, non-nerve inducing speaking engagements I’ve ever done and I’d happily go back.

There was no lechery or weirdness or uncomfortable personal questions, but really thoughtful ones. At the end, they have a circle where you can raise any issue or question you want and it was quite fascinating. Also, some older folks shared incredibly interesting stories from the 70's; one even brought a vintage copy of High Society to show me. And a professor I had at Berkeley even showed up and shared that she’d written me a law school recommendation! I felt like an ass cause I totally didn’t remember her but she was so nice, as was everyone and I left with such a good feeling. Sadly, had to miss Cheryl B’s birthday blowout, but that’s life.