Productivity

In all seriousness, lately I feel like I have so much trouble focusing on one single task. I either look at/think about 10 things at once, or the future, or something else entirely - like I'll be trying to write something, and thinking about how much money I (don't) have in the bank. Or I'll be trying to edit someone's story while thinking about a column I'm going to write...in May. It's a delaying tactic and I'm proud of myself when I can just shut out all the nagging, berating, confusing, troubling voices and just write whatever's clamoring for the most attention in my head, but sometimes I can't. Sometimes I just give up. And sometimes that's good, sometimes it means that I just need to do whatever else it is for a while, whether that's cry or jerk off or read or go for a walk or talk on the phone or whatever. But it really does sometimes feel out of control, and I realized something not so pleasant as I was, yes, crying into my pillow the other day - that that sadness wasn't about some guy. It was about feeling lonely and wanting someone to sortof come in and rescue me from my problems, and thinking that a fling or relationship or whatever would do that, when it's up to me to do that. It's hard though because I take on too much and not the most financially lucrative things, and then I start to resent it, and be jealous, and want things I don't have, and then it's really easy for me to be ready to chuck all the stuff I don't want to do to devote myself to someone else. OF COURSE it's way easier to try to tidy up someone else's life, to enhance it and do for them, than to tackle my own longterm problems. So I'm working on all of this. Trying to plan a little bit more and harness what writing energy I do have, when I have it and not be quite so hard on myself. It's a challenge, it really is, but ultimately worth it, I hope.