Snow!

Somewhere in the last two days, I got pretty sick. I thought it was just a cold and hence walked all over the place yesterday, determined to be all healthy and strong, but by last night had to concede that I felt pretty awful, my throat sore and a headache that wouldn't go away. I slept a lot and feel marginally better and was happy to see snowflakes drifting along outside. It feels like the end of this year has rushed by, and I am still finishing and struggling with many of the same things as I have in years past, though I think I've made a lot of progress this year. I've learned not to make predictions or pronouncements, because I'm very likely to break them. I'm trying to be calmer, less volatile, more accepting of my flaws and more proactive in changing the things I don't like about myself. It's very tough to accurately assess these things, especially For me, it's not to much about asking G-d, though I will be going to services next Friday for an oneg for my baby cousin, as looking inward and figuring out how, as the serenity prayer tells us:

to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference

That's always been close to impossible for me. It seems like I can't change a thing, but rather than feel sorry for myself about those aspects of my life, I'm just going to focus on what I can change. I have this awful pattern where when I realize I can't change X, it feels pointless to change Y, Z, or anything else I do have control over, because I will never be able to change X. Instead, I do everything in my power to skirt my own knowledge that I can't change X, thinking I can do the impossible, wasting time and emotion and energy, and hopefully I can leave all that behind. I'm not much for New Year's resolutions per se, because I always break them and they sometimes feel like even more pressure, but there are definitely things I want to change, plenty that I need to work on to be a better person, to myself and others. I also have to realize that sometimes the best thing I can do is be a little selfish. I can't go to every event or put other people ahead of me in terms of prioritizing, because then I don't have enough time and resent things I shouldn't, so I'm working on that, as well as making the most of the time I do have. So much has happened this year, and I do feel "older," not just because of the number 30, but I realize how much time I've frittered away, and am a little more focused on what I do want out of life and how to go about getting it.

This January staying in time should help me both focus on my writing and make some goals and plans and just give me some solitude I've been craving. Plus, winter is not my favorite season so if I'm going to stay in, better to do it then, but mostly, I need to learn to prioritize. If I had done that, I'd have these overdue projects done already and could focus on the new stuff. But I also know that sometimes with creative work, not so much copyediting or administrative minutiae, but writing and thinking, I can't always force it. Sometimes the idea is there and that's it, it's just an idea, maybe 50 words, not 500 or 1,100 or whatever. And that's okay. That time or interviewing or writing wasn't "wasted" and maybe it will appear again in some other form.

Virginia Postrel wrote about New Year's resolutions this week and Professor Thomas C. Schelling's take on them:

The problem, he suggested, is that pretty much everybody suffers from a split personality. One self desperately wants to lose weight or quit smoking or run two miles a day or get up early to work. The other wants dessert or a cigarette, hates exercise or loves sleep.

Both selves are equally valid, and equally rational about pursuing their desires. But they do not exist at the same time.

I finally bought A Year to Live, which Monica had turned me on to, and hopefully can learn something from that about getting what I want out of life. I certainly don't like who I became in the early half of 2005, and I think I have changed for the better. I have so many wonderful people in my life who make me smile and who just get me, who I'm so so grateful for, and they stand in stark relief to the people who just don't get me. It's funny because it really isn't dependent on the length of time I've known someone. I clicked with Miriam pretty much right away and am so glad she's in my life and vice versa. That's an example of a pretty bad experience having a good outcome.

So I'm just gonna keep plugging away, and instead of bemoaning my lack of a book deal, work towards one, one that is about what I want it to be about, and in the meantime, do what I have to do to sustain myself and try to have fun with it and remember why I got into this in the first place. Happy New Year everyone!