On sex writing

I've been doing some research for my book proposal and was looking up reactions to Jonathan Franzen's horrible essay "Books in Bed." Here's a really novel idea - don't want to read about sex? Don't. Skip it. Move along to the next section of the bookstore, newsstand, blogosphere. But the fact is, lots of people DO want to read about sex, whether it's college or other newspaper sex columns, how-to books, memoirs, etc. I can't really think of another topic where people's personal qualms cause them to say "nobody should be writing about this." There's also this fallacy that if you write about sex, quite openly and intimately, you keep nothing to yourself.

The fact of the matter is, I keep plenty to myself. We all do; and it's just a matter of degree and what we value. Certainly, I've had plenty of sexual experiences, moments, revelations, etc., that I didn't write about, and wouldn't publicly. I do understand that one can only be judged on what is public; if all you see is a crappy New York magazine article, that may be all you have to go by, except for that fact that all of us in that article are published authors so for the countless bloggers who chose to say "I've never read her writing, but I think she should shut her mouth" - that's your opinion and you're welcome to it, but I think i'ts unfair. I don't tell anyone else they shouldn't write about whatever they desire, and while I always write for myself, first and foremost, and if I ever got sick of any of it, I'd walk away, I am glad that people want to read what I write and do my best, at least in my Voice column, to include other perspectives. I'm fascinated by how differently we all think about sex, which is why this whole attitude of "it shouldn't be discussed" baffles me. To me, it's an endlessly fascinating topic because there are so many nuances, angles, aspects, and I believe that everyone has something going on, at least in their head, about sex, whether it's fantasies, memories, regrets, questions, etc. This is part of what I'll be writing about, well, will be writing about if I can finagle a book deal sometime before I'm 40, because to me it's kindof like "don't ask, don't tell" - how is that a victory, when it's okay to do something but not talk about? The problem is that there are some people who need/want to talk about it. I'm not saying they have to talk about it with the people who don't want to discuss it, but it's frightening to me that there is a pretty vocal group, not just some fledgling minority, who think sex should always be skirted around, never discussed. There are times that's true, but I know there are plenty of sex writers out there, I'm not going to be so bold as to put myself in that category, but people like Susie Bright, Tristan Taormino, Carol Queen, Sallie Tisdale, and now people like Joan Kelly, Kevin Keck, Ian Kerner, even a Toni Bentley or Catherine Millet, etc., who are talking about sex in intelligent ways, who are either imparting their knowledge based on their experience and study, or relaying personal accounts that are valuable.

For me, the problem with pushing sex deep into the closet is that then we get one single portrait of what all of "sex" is like, and that leaves out so many groups. I'm still amazed by how popular female domination is as a topic, how many guys in real life or in their fantasies want to submit to a woman's erotic control, and that contradicts the traditional manly, macho image that men are "supposed" to project. That fascinates me, because it is a contradiction, and I see sex as an arena where so many of our secret dreams and thoughts and fantasies can get played out, or at least explored, but if there's no space, both in private and public, to discuss these topics, people are really trapped in their own heads, living out scripts they feel are dictated to them by the surrounding culture. That's fine as long as your desires perfectly conform to that script, but if they don't (and I'd venture to say that many, many people's don't, at least not all the time), you're at a huge loss.

So I'm trying to keep this in mind as I hunt around and take notes and all that. So, you know, take me off your bloglines now if you don't want to read more in this vein because I (fingers crossed) plan to become super single-minded as I really work on fashioning these nebulous ideas into something concrete instead of sitting around doing things piecemeal as I have been since I left law school in 1999. Not that I'm not proud of what I've accomplished, I totally am, but I feel like through being in debt and making some of the choices I've made, I've set up a precedent whereby books aren't something you actually make money doing, whereby I say yes to everything even when I know I have other things I want to do, and I want to gain a little more control over all aspects of my life, especially my writing. I have no idea if I can actually do it, but I will hate myself if I don't at least try.

Here's just one such sentiment I ran across at truefiction.org

I’m going to make a bold statement here: we shouldn’t really talk about sex. I don’t just mean in columns, I mean on cell phones, in coffee shops—anywhere. We can talk about dating all we like, because dating is about relationships between people and therefore infinitely fascinating and infinitely complex. But sex is the most private of acts, one that people should keep to themselves. There’s no need to open the blinds and show our naked selves to the worlds, because it’s hard enough to show our naked selves to the one we’re sleeping with.