a classic (maybe THE classic) "Life as a Loser" column

I love how I get to quote my friends, and especially how, with all the knowledge and reading I try to cram into my brain, I can remember stuff long after I've read it - "This Column Is About Sex" by Will Leitch is one of my favorites of his work, here's a highlight but do yourself a favor and read (or reread as the case may be) the whole thing:

A couple of months ago, as a practice session intended to help correct this writing deficiency, I sat down to write a 2,000-word piece about my most recent intense, powerful sexual experience. To make sure I got in the groove, I drank about a quart of Dewar’s, shut off all the lights and cranked up Motley Crue’s Dr. Feelgood (when writing about love, try Miles Davis; when tackling sex, nothing but the Crue will do). Adequately drunk, I tore in and tapped away for about three hours straight, pausing only for three cigarettes and to restart the CD. I didn’t read what I wrote until I woke up the next morning. It could not have been more embarrassing if it had been written by one of my former partners with an ax to grind. It read like Garrison Keillor being anally raped by David Foster Wallace. Here’s a tip: When trying to write sexy, avoid the words labyrinthine, perpendicular, snorkel and mayonnaiseish. I beg you to trust me on this one.

A market has sprung in recent years for sex columnists. We’ve actually had a few on Ironminds. People love reading sex columns, but I’m not sure I ever believe them. It’s one thing to be frank and matter-of-fact about sex; it’s another entirely to confess the weird shit you do in print, with your name attached. If most of these women (and, of course, they’re always women; a guy’s columns about sex would always have the same predictable, abrupt end, and they’d all run about 150 words) had sex as often as they claimed, I don’t know how they’d even have time to write their columns. And how real can it be when everyone you’re having sex with knows you’re a sex columnist? I would suspect, knowing most guys, that would be more of a detriment to finding willing subjects than a benefit. (And, come to think of it, if you’re a sex columnist, is it OK to miss deadline because you’re having sex? Is it considered research? What kind of stuff can you write off on your taxes? Do you ever punch a time clock?)